今年，因剛換工作的關係，回不了家了。
希望明年年初可以成行……

I can't seem to understand why the world treated him the way it did. Is this world we are living in quite beyond repair? He is falling apart. So are we. Looking at how much he has contributed to the world, and how the world repaid, it makes me starting to doubt the quality of mankind.

MJ, R.I.P.
I believe your soul and your heart are as tender as your voice. Earth would have been a much lonelier place without you. Thank you.

一個下午爛漫的陽光令我忘卻生命的存在。Belief一直在loop。
來的時候帶不來的焦慮，疲憊與悲傷，走的時候，也不會帶走。就像不能在出世前預計如何為人，如何為生，死亡，也一樣不能被學習，被預演，或被提前體會。

26嵗即將來臨，我終于扔下了一個背負了十多年的沉重的包袱。從年少時狂妄地不懼怕死亡，到嚮往死亡的解脫，到懼怕死亡所意味的生命的無意義，到今天，我終于能比較平靜地面對給自己的這個不能掙脫的問題。送給自己的這個生日禮物，猶如得到重生。

我的人生可以前進了。

Messages that wouldn't settle down until the day the loop of flames finds its end.
Press it hard enough and long enough, and the vibration of particles will eat into your skin and everything will leave a mark.

Who circled around trying to bite her tail?
But sadly, the chase of chaos does not stop here.
An accidental flap on the dusty floor, leaves five fingerprints, and a room of unbreathable air.
An incident that moved the unnoticeable, the untouchable, and the invisible.
You cough and you cough out a key.

Denial is the norm.
Run, Desperado.

AKA Ana:

It is a weird experience to go all the way downtown to watch a movie at midnight, especially when you are driving in the pouring rain, when all the lights on the streets flew across above your head like drops of gold from the stars.

and allow me to say, it is a once-in-a-life-time (again, weird) experience to watch a porn on the big screen in a packed movie theatre with all the ppl who are crazy enough like you to come out for a 12pm documentary.
I'd never expected a full-house for this midnight screening of AKA ANA.

and what happened in the movie theatre is an even more bizarre scenario that I would never forget.
Let's not talk about what was on the screen for now, but what was it like to be in the audience:

You can see, feel, hear all the uneasiness: sounds of shifting positions on the seats, coughing, low gasps every now and then, heavy breathing, even random sneezing and all sorts of strange noises, mostly from male audiences.

 then half way through the movie, half of the theatre walked out.
I was sitting there with the rest, deep in thoughts and my eyes were moist.



With all the obscene actions and picture images of the movie, I found it poetic, beautiful, delicate, and extremely sad.

Basically:From the very surface, AKA ANA is a hardcore pornography of the dirty lives of Japanese prostitutes, constituted with drugs, self-abuse, strip dancing, masturbating, orgy, etc., in which most scenes were shot with a night vision camera, making everything look slightly spooky but focused and disturbing when rubbing all the sexual elements in your face.  With all these extremely distracting graphics throwing upon the audiences, in the background, there's a weak, innocent voice of a Japanese girl, telling the stories of their lives.

For the first 15 minutes, the mumblings were in riddles and the sentences were in incomprehensible fragments. Perhaps, I admit, the sex was just too hard to ignore, and my mind was too occupied to differentiate the voice of the story teller, and the sound of orgasmic moanings.

However, after almost half and hour (at that time, half of the theatre was already empty), on my mind, the movements on the screen slowly faded into the background, and the narration surfaced, intertwined with the images in front, and the message the director was trying to delivery finally found its way to me and I was astonished. In fact, right from the very beginning, the message is yelling at you, loud and sound. People just didn't notice or couldn't notice.

I might miscounted, but there are 7 different stories from 7 different girls. Each started by saying "you call me Iku, but in fact, my name is _______".
They chose their lives as prostitutes, as tools of pleasure for men, for different reasons: some got raped at a really young age and tried to revenge with their body as a weapon; some finds this most natural way of extreme excitement and pleasure the only way to feel their existence; some wanted to connect, and yet detached from their connection from people...

None the less, they have more in common. Because sex is so distracting and easily dominates one's mind, no one sees their real faces but only their naked bodies; no one sees beyond what's happening in front of them (intercourse in this case) and their souls behind; no one listens and even if listens, no one hears. The girls were looking, but learn to not see.

Imagine the very easiest and simplest way of pleasure in life became a job, and you can no longer feel; imagine the very private part of life when you should totally relax and enjoy, became a job, and you have nothing private to yourself; imagine you were used and abused because sex and love can be ideally dealt with separately for these clients, but you can't help but feeling emotionally attached to people who have touched you, and hold you close to their beating hearts; imagine you can no longer conduct a normal relationship with a man because you cannot look a single man in the eyes without thinking they are pigs.

Not trying to be judgmental, but I couldn't help but wonder why these people would walk out. They are mostly in their 20s and 30s, some are bold fashionable girls, some are strong young men. We all know that at this age dressing like they do, it's not like they don't experiment on sex and watch porn at home all the time anyway. Why would something like this seem so disturbing to them? I couldn't help but wonder if these are the most pathetic kind of hypocrites.

But what are they rejecting? To accept this kind of victimization of the prostitutes? To think and look from their point of view on life? To believe there is a soul behind that masquerade of erotic makeups and body gestures?

The irony is, I suppose Director Antoine D'Agata has somehow expected these ppl to walk out. Because, when they turn away from the movie and walk out on these girls, this scene itself became a perfect portrait of what the director is trying to say. Stronger than any audible expressions.
These girls, they give love, make love, but no longer receive love. They drag their bodies around like zombies, and the shivering at the moment of climax injects something close to live into them. Because this shiver is so purely instinct, it almost cleanse out the sins and despairs in them for that split of a second.    French directors are vulgar, rough, ragged, sexual, sensational, bold and brave. I clearly remember that the very first time when I came across a film by a french director, I didn't find it at any level intriguing or inspiring. The weird feeling of how they present their ideas solely made me feel uneasy.

Finally, I got a chance to give it a try again and I am thrilled that I found Antoine D'Agata.

I love the film and I want to thank him for this beautiful gift he created for humanity.

多倫多國際紀錄片電影節第二天:

每一部紀錄片，導演要花上5年十年甚至更多的時間去搜集資料，做採訪，取得各方面的批文，籌集資金，拍攝，比任何一部電影片子，要花上更多的時間和精力。但實話說，who cares about documentary films these days？除了Al Gore的inconvenient truth，有多少片子還對社會有什麽影響？有多少部會Marketable,會有公司去贊助，會令什麽人能牟取暴利？如果一部片子平均用7年時閒製作，那每年的Toronto Hot Doc上150部的片子，便聚集了導演們1050年的心血。漏看了的片子，除了錯失了學習的機會，也錯失了對這些可愛的導演們表示支持，尊重和敬佩的機會。

每每這樣想的時候，坐在Hot doc的電影院裏看片子，就會有种愧疚的感覺。什麽明星的大片子，我down回來看，盜版來看，不給錢偷進電影院裏看，心裏覺得理所當然的。在Hot Doc, 我買上票，坐在電影院裏兩個小時，享受的便是別人十年來日日夜夜努力回來的結晶，心裏覺得幸運得像偷竊。所以覺得，應該寫些什麽。身邊實在沒有一個一起關注這件事情的人，但是多倫多downtown整個周末，因爲這個festival擠得人山人海的。實在太好了。

1. Hair India


A dirt poor Indian family who traveled a thousand miles to a pilgrim temple to sacrifice their hair to God to pray for the recovery of their son's blinding eye.
An Indian company that got rich by selling high quality untreated virgin hair they bid from the Temples to the companies overseas.
An Italian company called "Great Length" who buys these hair from Indian and sells them to awfully rich Hollywood stars when hair extension becomes their secret for their beauty, and whose awfully young owner lives in a grand Villa right outside of Rome, flies in and out in a helicopter.
An Indian Fashion magazine editor who lives side by side with the luxurious lives of Bollywood stars who lead the fashion and wear long hair extension by "Great Length".

A perfect circle. A brilliant story.

在廟裏，成萬的朝聖者中，孩子的父親跪下，等待barber幫他剃去頭髮。
他說, sins and doubts have been washed away, god is in this place.
每一個pilgrim大概都是這樣在想着。

故事不只是在表現印度的貧富懸殊，最主要的，是在譴責這些exploit貧窮的發展中國家的資源而富得流油的商人，他們對社會責任的無視，和Hollywood stars的superficial和ignorant。

電影結束以後導演和現場觀衆們之間的對話，對於我來説，成爲了看這部片子的highlight。
觀衆們問這個很貧窮的家庭後來有沒有得到什麽類型的資助，這個Great Length公司的人有沒有對這片子對他們的exposion有什麽程度上的表態，Temple賣這些頭髮的收入用來幹什麽，之類之類。

最後有一位觀衆站起來說:
I think everyone here today, should go home and email the Hollywood stars who are wearing these gorgeous hair extensions, ask them what they are doing for these poor countries.

2. Korean Wedding Chest


故事用人參夫婦來人間的經歷的陳述，做唯一的複綫，跟蹤了現代社會裏一個傳統的韓國家庭，怎麽樣舉行婚禮。

開場白說: Dwell among men. Do what they do and learn to understand them.

一個韓國的婚禮的過程，傳統得我不敢相信。現在這個社會裏，新郎在婚前，必須要妥妥當當準備嫁妝的Wedding Chest。裏面擺的每一件東西，顔色和位置和包裝的方法都有講究。箱子打包封好了，新郎必須背起箱子步行到新娘的家裏，踏碎門前的紅碗，把箱子放在屋裏，岳父母前紅木桌子上放置的一碗五穀米飯上。婚禮的儀式，講究得身為中國人一向覺得東方的這些傳統都是從中國發源的我，無比驚訝。

儀式和宗教一樣，年輕一點的時候覺得無關痛癢，不明白這些表面功夫其中的意義。漸漸大了，覺得生，死，婚，壽，都不過是一種沒有界線分割的狀態。而人，創造出種種儀式規矩來強調這些事情，不只是一種心理上的安撫，而是這種過程，給了一個人一種過渡淨化體會以及升華的機會。

看電影的全過程，我只在想，如果我是韓國人，那該多好。這樣的一個婚禮，才是真正一個人一輩子應該經歷的一次的洗禮。

3. My greatest escape


影片開始前，主辦人在臺上說，you think you know it, but you don't know the slightest bit。說中了。片子完的时候Michel大概成爲了我的英雄。

一開始以爲片子會很刺激，因爲它採訪的是法國歷史上最偉大的逃犯Michel。完全不是那回事。坐我前面的一對情侶，女生很明顯半路就靠在男生肩膀上睡着了；斜對面的一位男觀衆，大大聲地打了個哈欠。
腌悶的原因是整個電影80%的時間，都是照住Michel的頭，看着他説話。一個被監禁了27年，拒絕跟外界説話的人，習慣了將所有的感情，表情都関起來。他説話的語調，平緩，不帶感情，不帶起伏。

Michel著名的原因不是他如何窮兇極惡。他只不過是做holdup做搶劫大公司大銀行的事情。出名的是，每一次被関起來，無論在多麽森嚴的監獄，他都逃得出來。監獄，對於他來説，是爲了被逃跑出來，而建立的。逃跑，是他在監獄裏每時每刻全神貫注地思考着的事情。不容有一點偏差，不容有一點遲疑和畏懼。

電影一開始，Michel在抽自己卷的煙。Puff了幾口，他說: What is prison like? Solitude. Listen (a long pause of over 20 seconds). that is the kind of silence I have been hearing for 27 years.
What do you learn in Solitude? What you have missed in life.
Michel説話的方式，很有他自己的魅力。聼起來，像是一堂哲學課。他說，每一次坐牢的經歷，他都儅是一個大學的文憑。

For 27 years, I couldn't sleep well in the prison. They use this kind of bright yellow color for walls. The bright light on the ceiling bounces off the concrete walls and reflects onto you no matter what. 27年来，他一直在像个军人一样锻炼自己的身体。不与任何人说话的原因是，他不能betray他自己。说了话，便会打乱他的精神意志。他要在监狱中，建立一个逃脱自己的地方，就在自己身上。

27年成功逃脱了不下5次，最后两次，都是从极度森严的high security监狱，从楼顶上，被同伴用直升飞机接走的。和电影一样。

最后一次的逃跑，他被警察用枪射到了头。子弹钻进了脑里。儅他從醫院裏醒來，那是他這一輩子都沒有經歷過的憤怒和恐懼：他以爲自己死了，而他還活着，令自己極度失望。由於腦部重創，他癱瘓了在床上。以前無論如何，監獄始終是一座死物，始終都可以戰勝；而他自己這個被困在不能動彈的癱瘓的肢體裏的意識，身體這個牢籠，卻是他擺脫不了，掙脫不了的地獄。第一次，他感到這種絕望的恐懼。
27年的沉默与思考卻将Michel塑造成了一个意志力異于常人的人。他每天每天，猶如全神貫注策劃逃獄一般，他嘗試將精力與意志集中在一個腳趾頭上，感覺能感覺到的東西，嘗試控制腳趾頭去移動。

這樣的他，康復了。現在在鏡頭前面，甚至比誰都清醒地講述着他的故事，走路，生活，看不出半點這個經歷對他的影響。

不知道怎麽樣可以和一個著名的罪犯感覺到Connection，但是導演做到了，而Michel也做到了。Michel對生命對孤獨對戰鬥的看法，大概會使我終身受益。

參加Toronto International Documentary Film Festival簡直像打仗。即使提前了大半個月開始精密策劃，當時初步圈下來要看的，大概有20多部片子。再三因時間地點各種因素斟酌完之後，再加上下下星期考試，要預讀書的時間，決定買Festival pass：十張電影票加送一張免費的midnight screening. Schedule因爲有些電影Festival還沒開始就sold out了，改了又改。打了上萬個電話以後，box office的人一聽到我的聲音，就馬上能認出來，然後一邊聼我埋怨一邊談笑一邊給意見。原來學生是整個Festival都免費看的~我簡直想一頭撞死:爲什麽在UT讀書的時候沒有去……震怒中。
好心的室友不忍心我星期三打算自己一個人半夜坐地鐵下去看midnight screening,答應開車載我下去陪我一起看。我這個不開車的人，在多倫多一年内每個星期都有homocide的恐怖情況下，被室友救助了，實在感激涕零……

Festival第一天的經歷收穫滿滿的。


1. Orgasm Inc.

老實說，片子跟一開始的預想截然不同。
Program裏的摘要說片子是關於Pharmasutical company怎麽樣對政府對藥檢局Sell女性的Sexual Frustration是一種病，冠名曰Female sexual disorder disease。然後用種種不可靠的實驗數據對廣大社會洗腦，令他們的female viagra大賺特賺。而有很多組織，都起來反對這種marketing和這種做法。
片子雖然極度乾澀嚴肅--完全沒有想到這樣一個有趣的話題會被這樣拍攝，要傳達的信息卻很緊急地需要被廣泛地明白和接受。

儅最後的一個case是Proctor and Gamble，才發現大腕公司的ethical問題比我想象中的嚴重很多。
Female Viagra是一個淘金市場。P&G幾乎是我們每一個人日常生活都逃脫不了的公司，洗頭水沐浴露牙膏洗衣粉化妝品甚至零食，旗下囊括的品牌多得不可思議。這樣的公司當然想在這裏先分一杯羹。在政府通過他們研製的產品之前，P&G就扔了上億資金去大勢廣告宣傳。而在國際藥檢局的商討會上，他們公然承認自己研製的stimulation patch會有機會致癌，成功率也不高，效果並不顯著，卻依然打着“拯救女性，解放女性”的旗號，厚顏無恥地要求政府批准他們的產品流通市場。最後北美沒有通過，歐洲卻通過了。而這個葯，終于在世界各地從網上可以隨意地合法地購買。
記得從小聽到的P&G廣告就是"P&G令你生活完美"。現在想來，非常諷刺。
記得剛開始找工作的時候，P&G來了UT開招職的講座。他們聲稱自己是最開放的公司，對同性戀、新人和任何外籍的人士都平等對待。有朋友去了他們的interview，回來跟我苦笑：“你猜我進門之前，他們問我什麽？” “什麽？”“Are you international student?”“然後呢？”“我一説是，他們馬上回答-We don't hire international student。”“這種歧視不是犯法的嗎？”“他們是大公司啊。”
當時聼完，心裏挺憤怒。我甚至憤怒的不是這種歧視，而是他們在大衆面前刻意打造的形象，竟然虛僞得那麽可憐。
而這部片子，更肯定了我對P&G的看法。

回到片子上來。片子的后半段，開始談論現代社會marketing這種洗腦，在左右群衆對自身價值的看法，在令消費者願意鋌而走險去嘗試荒誕的marketing scheme。Labia surgery就是一個例子。連做手術的clinic都明白這個手術，沒有任何實際作用，風險可以致命，但全北美卻還有成千上萬家提供這樣手術的clinic。

在我們每個人都大量嗑葯，認爲任何一樣事情都有一种葯可以醫治或者改善的今天，female orgasm只是需要適當的stimulation就可以達到的這個事實，好像反而很難以被接受了。


2. Lies
這是部有三段不同風格的animation組成的一部短片。關於三個被捲入謊話中的人的不同的故事。
一個隨意編造了一個謊話便騙走了公司十幾万的criminal，一個偷了母親$100買了禮物給全班同學的小孩，和一個一輩子都被教育不要承認自己吉普賽人身份的女人。
故事情節很簡單，第一部用了移動的三維畫面的角度，第二部用了mix media充滿童真，第三步用了抽象簡略的手法。三部都流暢，簡約，長短恰到好處。



3. Stolen art
片子圍繞1978年在紐約開的一個謎一樣的畫展展開。畫展名字叫Stolen art，所有的畫具説是一位捷克的畫家Pavel Novak對世界名家的作品的仿造品，仿造得幾可亂真。有位原畫的持有者來到畫展，發現畫中有蹊蹺，第二天便讓警察二話不説封了舘帶走了所有的畫。這位持有者將自己的畫和這個畫展上的同一幅畫拿去幾經鑑定，竟發現這個“仿造品”居然才是真跡。這位被譽爲仿造品天才的藝術家Pavel Novak，一時間變成了世界名畫的盜畫者，被通緝了。最後，卻因爲其他作品的持有者（大部分都是各個國家的博物館）不協作而無法鑑定真僞，而這位藝術家的真身也沒有人見過逃之夭夭，事情不了了之了。
作者便爲了揪這個Pavel Novak出來，而踏遍所有持有真品的博物館，訪問了一堆學者，尋求真相。
印象最深的被採訪的人，有三個。

一個是研究Rembrandt的一位學者。他每天每天，都注視着Rembrandt的作品的每一個最最細小的筆觸和最最輕微的用色變化。他說，大師之所以是大師，是因爲在作畫的那一刻，他對他撲捉到的瞬間有深刻的認識，而這個瞬間便成爲了我們後來的人對那個時候那個景象的認識，而他的那一刻，便成爲了我們所有人共同的回憶。所以他強調，無論仿造的人，有多麽厲害，因爲不是在歷史上那一刻誕生，仿造品完全地失去了意義。

第二個是Pavel Novak跟畫舘管理人的一段錄音。Pavel被問及賣的畫是偷的還是畫的，他避而不談。但是被問及爲什麽這樣做的時候，他說：小時候我在學畫的時候，經常到博物館裏，對一幅畫便盯上一整天。到閉舘的時候，我總會被踢出去。我很憤怒。這些本來是人文遺產，所有人類都應該共有的東西，現在被供養着，被拍賣掉，被隨意轉換與有權和有錢人手中。我覺得，這種屬於所有人類的美麗，應該被redistribute。只有這樣做，所有人才會這正重新開始認識這個事情。

第三個是唯一一個見過Novak真人的一個art critic。導演去採訪他的時候，發現他住在面海的山上，環境非常寫意。導演問的事情，他都心不在焉地搪塞道"Oui， Oui”。最後，他終于拿出嘴裏的煙斗，對導演說：其實，你是不是在懷疑我是Novak？導演直接到：是的。以你的身份和水平，要製造一個Novak出來，然後用真實身份做掩飾，非常容易。那個critic很優哉游哉地說：其實我是不是，到底有什麽那麽重要？以你的假設，其實你又怎麽證明我不是你創造出來的一個角色，爲了講你的這個故事令你可以出片子，只不過是在讀你寫的對白呢？如果我是你創造出來的一個角色，被你用來傳達你需要傳達的信息，那我是誰，到底有多重要。

Simon Backès在開幕的時候出現在影展會場。他看起來非常年輕，modest，而不修邊幅。他在影片開始前說，希望這部片子educational turn philosophical或者the other way around。的確。我從中帶走了很多重要的信息。

明天繼續戰鬥！=)
 

電影結束后，許久才緩過神來。
很慶幸我九年前想看的時候錯過了，因爲即使現在，我也覺得它十分沉重，如壓棺的岩石，胸口透不過氣。
這是我幾乎看過的所有電影裏，對死亡的恐懼感表現得最誠實殘酷的一部。由一數到一百步，我的雙腳也在顫抖，雙手也變得冰冷無力；到嘎然而止的那一個音符，我所有的感官也霎時鏤空。沒有疼痛，也沒有掙扎，閉幕的人閉幕。

九年前看的話，我大概不會想太多。現在，不住戰抖的恐懼和不安感揮之不去。Lars von Trier 和Bjork對角色怎麽可以拿捏得那麽狠。

接下來打算看Lars von Trier的Trilogy前兩部。

(picture stolen from Flickr :P)

流行的東西有他流行的理由。
今天突然閒run into了The Killers 的All these things that I've done.

"Another head aches, another heart breaks
I am so much older than I can take
And my affection, well it comes and goes
I need direction to perfection"

"I got soul, but I'm not a soldier"

很多時候人都期望別人會over punish themselves for things they've done. 或者自己也在過分地因爲過去在各種程度上譴責自己。因爲一輩子就只有那麽多天，只會遇見那麽多人，每個人都希望自己在自己的和別人的記憶裏，盡量地完美和公平。

有時候，it's ok to let go.

after all, shit happens.
let go.